Abbey
Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes. Eating disorders aren't always 80 lbs, binging and purging, frail, boney, pale skinned bodies, laxatives, and corroded teeth as our world often depicts. They can look like normal happy people. They can look healthy; at least according to what our culture tells us healthy looks like. Because of this, I was in denial of my own eating disorder for many many years.
I remember the exact moment, almost 14 years ago, sitting in my Women’s Health class in college as we discussed the signs of eating disorders as part of that week’s unit, when it hit me. This is me. I sat numb and in shock as that reality slapped me across the face.
My eating disorder has served me in different ways throughout my life. As a teen, it was a need to be perfect in every way, shape, and form and to prove my worth on my dance team. As a ballerina, the small dancers got the lead parts in the shows. I danced 15 hours a week and usually only ate 1 real meal a day, usually dinner with my family so nobody suspected anything. All in the name of being “healthy, and skinny” for ballet.
Seeing myself in a full-length mirror wearing only a leotard and tights for that many hours a week as I was dancing, took a toll on mental health. This is when I developed body dysmorphia, seeing my body not as it actually was and being obsessed with the need to “fix” it.
As a young college student, I was determined to keep the “Freshman 15” away, so I heavily restricted my food intake. Even though dance wasn’t the center of my world anymore, I still felt my value hinged on how my body looked. My broken brain believed I was only worthy of friendships, love and acceptance by others if I was a certain weight or size. Eventually, my eating disorder shifted from being solely worth focused to also becoming a coping mechanism.
As a newlywed I experienced trauma and heartbreak that sent my eating disorder into a tailspin. It was more comfortable to feel hunger than it was to feel the emotional pain I was experiencing. I felt like my world was crumbling out from underneath me. While I couldn’t control the circumstances, I could control what I ate… or didn’t eat. I obsessed over tracking every single bite, aiming for 800 calories a day never allowing myself to go over 1200 calories; the same amount of daily calories recommended for a 3-year-old. I spent so much energy trying to be in control of what I was eating in an effort to control my life, oblivious to the fact that my eating disorder was actually controlling me.
Getting pregnant with my first baby saved my life. I was spiraling to scary and unhealthy levels and after getting pregnant I had to eat and take care of my body for my baby. She depended on it. After giving birth, I didn’t recognize my body. To say I was ashamed of the extra weight and stretch marks is an understatement. Instead of soaking up my sweet tiny baby, my thoughts were consumed with disgust for my body and needing to change it. This began a decade-long roller coaster of diets, exercise programs, constant body checks, supplements, restricting food and obsessing over my long list of “food rules”.
With the help of God, my counselor, a dietician, and supportive friends and family, I’m finding recovery. I’ve learned that my eating disorder is separate from me, so I named it Ed. I am not my eating disorder. Ed is getting quieter and is not controlling me like he used to. On days when Ed is loud, I’m finding my voice to shut him down, challenge him, and prove him wrong. My weight or the size of clothes I wear doesn’t dictate how lovable I am, nor does it determine how good of a wife, mom, friend, sister or daughter I am. I am learning to listen to my body and giving it what it wants, even carbs, and fats, *gasp* and skipping workouts *gasp* because rest is just as important as movement. I’m learning to see my body as an instrument that is good and does good instead of an ornament with no purpose other than to be looked at.
You might ask HOW? How do you learn these things?
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Pray. Pray a lot. I pray, asking for God to help me see and love myself as He does. He’s showing me. He’s showing me through music, nature, my kids and husband, supportive validating friends, and tender mercies.
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Surround myself with positivity. On social media I only follow accounts and people that leave me feeling better about myself and add good to my life. I especially love those that promote body positivity.
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National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/ has resources for finding treatment providers and support groups as well as helps for those supporting someone with an eating disorder. Online groups are a great place to build connections with others who understand in ways others do not. NEDA has great sources for education on eating disorders and overcoming disordered thinking.
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A good therapist. A therapist that calls me out when I need it and shows me I am loveable when I don’t love myself. A therapist that is holding me accountable, teaching me healthier coping tools and is helping me sift through and process trauma.
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Books. There are so many good books about eating disorder recovery and body positivity!
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A dietician. I have a friend that is an anti-diet dietician that has played a big role in how I think about food and in healing my relationship with food, introducing me to intuitive eating.
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Cooking! I’ve spent a large chunk of my life believing that food is the enemy. Developing a love for cooking and baking has also played a big role in healing my relationship with food. Pouring my heart into creating delicious food that feeds my family, me and others is so rewarding.
Although I’m finding recovery and gaining power over my eating disorder, my body reminds me of the abuse I put it through. While in the throes of my eating disorder, I was tired, weak, foggy brained, always sick and irritable. Studies have shown links between eating disorders and hyperemesis gravidarum (extreme long lasting morning sickness). I can’t help but wonder if my eating disorder caused my miserable pregnancies. (Note: not ALL hyperemesis gravidarum is caused by eating disorders. Some people are just lucky like that.) Because of depriving my body of so much I am now battling hormone imbalances that have caused both mental and physical health struggles. Eating disorders can cause hair to fall out, damage to organs, tooth decay, osteoporosis, and onset to many other diseases.
Love your body. It is your vessel to carry you through all of life’s experiences. Don’t let your mind bully you into needing to fit in the box of what society tells you it should be. Your body loves you so love it back. Measure yourself in strength and smiles instead of pounds and calories. In a world that tells you to be smaller… learning to love your body is the most worthwhile act of rebellion you will do.
Here are some of my favorite books:
